Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The New Commandments

As any parent knows, there comes a time when the family rules have to be updated, expanded, clarified, and otherwise revised to meet the changing needs--and outrageous imaginations--of the family. We have reached that point. Here are a few of our New Commandments.

1.) Thou shalt not open the blinds in Mommy's bedroom to see if it snowed when Mommy is getting dressed. Especially during the split second that she is completely naked. And most especially if the next-door neighbor has just stepped out to let the dog out a mere four feet away from said window.

2.) Thou shalt not take it into thy little heads to go play at the park without first consulting Mommy. Same rule applies for going to Jackson's house, or Adalyn's house, or Timmy & Hallie's house, or ANYWHERE outside the boundaries of our yard.

3.) Thou shalt not yank down the window coverings in thy room and use the curtain rod as your weapon in a 'swordfight' with thy sister, especially when the sister is an unwilling participant in a one-sided swordfight. Nor shalt thou use this same curtain rod to gouge long skid marks in the wall after Mommy puts an end to the swordfight.

4.) Thou shalt not tell the babysitter--or anyone else--, "I like to tickle my privates because they are so tickly, but Mommy says there is no tickling privates until we are married. I'm going to get married when I'm very old, like fifteen."

5.) Thou shalt not strip down naked, put a bookshelf on the bed and climb on it to reach the ceiling fan, use the ceiling fan to swing out into the room and drop onto a pile of blankets and pillows in the middle of the floor. And when Mommy breaks up the party, thou shalt not threaten to move to Daddy's house, because honey--if you think Mommy didn't go for the ceiling fan gymnastics, just try it on Daddy's ceiling fan.

6.) Thou shalt not attempt going to the temple on a special date with Mom looking like the Whore of Babylon after pilfering Mommy's makeup bag to score glittery purple eyeshadow, clumpy mascara, and bright red lipstick.

7.) Thou shalt not wake up at 3 am and whine & cry to sleep in Mommy's bed. And when Mommy takes pity on you, thou DEFINITELY shalt not pee all over Mommy's brand new sheets that she just put on a few hours earlier, most especially when she was waiting until the next paycheck to get the waterproof mattress protector.

8.) Thou shalt not tell the daycare teacher that Mommy got divorced so she could marry Grandpa.

9.) Thou shalt not steal all of thy sisters' money. When Mommy catches you, thou shalt not quickly stuff said money down thy diaper in a desperate bid to keep it safe.

10.) Thou shalt not refer to thy mother as "Oldilocks," no matter how accurate or how tempting it may be.

Just another fun-filled week at our house.


Anonymous said...

Wendy this was just to funny!! It sounds like a week at our house!!! Your kids will die of embarrassment over these when they are about 16. So make sure they are written down. You are looking great!! So proud of all that hard work.

Countless Tomorrows said...

Oh my, what a busy week you've had. I hope they take the commandments seriously, but then again they will probably find other things to do which in turn will make it necessary for more new commandments.

Brady and Richelle said...

i LOVE following your blog. you've got an amazing family and some dang smart kids on your hands!!

Monica English said...

Awesome to know there are families out there like ours. I actually said yesterday "Jaxon! Evan! Please don't sword fight with shepherd's pie."

Nemmer said...

I snorted out loud at #8. All of those are hilarious!

Becky said...

What happens if the commandments are disobeyed? Are these under the old Wendy law or the new Wendy law. Now that I look at it does say the "new commandments," so I guess there will be a lot of love and forgiveness for breakage.

JJJAM&S said...

Wow! Your kids are busy!!! Thanks for sharing. I love reading your posts...they always makes me smile.

So when is the wedding with you and Gramps? :)


Steverino said...

Thou shalt not post blogs so funny that thy faithful readers snort milk out their noses when they read it.

Megan B said...

OH MY GOSH!! I'm lauging so hard! And it's not because I have tickly privates. Really.

Megan B said...

I gotta meet this Grandpa ;)