Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Sex Ed at the Dinner Table

If you are easily offended or squeamish about human reproductive issues, please stop reading now. Really.

One of my loftier and more idealistic parenting goals prior to actually becoming a parent was to be very open and forthright with my children about all issues related to sex. I felt sure that my openness and candor would create an atmosphere of trust where my children could come to me, their all-knowing and all-loving mother, with any and all concerns that may arise, and, under my careful guidance, would thereby avoid the pitfalls of STDs, teen pregnancy, and backseat French kissing with acne-scarred, greasy –haired teenagers.


The jury is still out on STDs, teen pregnancy, and horny teens, given that we haven’t hit adolescence yet. But I can safely say that the missing ingredient I failed to consider in my careful sex ed plan was my children. Who would’ve thought that they’d have their own ideas about how sex ed is supposed to go?

Consider last night at dinner:

Mia (out of the blue): Do all girls HAVE to do that thing where you bleed out of your privates?

Me: Yep.

Mia: Gross! I don’t want to do that.

Me: Sorry. It’s actually pretty normal. All girls do it. You get used to it, and it’s really not that bad.

Eric: Hahaha!!!! All the girls have to do something disgusting, and I don’t because I’m a boy!

Me: Well, boys’ bodies go through some changes, too.

Grace: Oh yeah, oh yeah, let’s hear about the disgusting stuff boys have to do!

Me: There are just normal things for boy bodies. When a boy’s body is getting ready to help make babies, when a boy becomes a teenager, he sometimes has nocturnal emissions--
(here follows a fairly graphic description, followed by lots of repulsed and fascinated questions, and even more detailed answers. I will spare you all those details. You’re welcome).

Grace : Oh. My. Gosh. That is the worst. Boys are definitely the most disgusting. I am SOOOOO glad I’m not a boy. At least I never have to do THAT.

Eric: Nu-huh, girl bodies are WAAAAAYYYYY more disgusting! You have to do the bleeding thing every single month. That’s D.I.S.G.U.S.T.I.N.G!!!!!

Me: It’s all just normal, guys. This is the way Heavenly Father made your bodies to work. It’s actually kind of cool.

Mia: Whatever. You say cool; I say disgusting.

Mercie: I am NEVER doing that when I’m a teenager.

Me: Um, I don’t think you have much choice.

Mercie: Trust me, I am never doing it. Ever.

Me: Okay, good luck with that.

Grace: The thing I don’t get, is why on earth does anybody do this when it’s SOOOOOOO gross?

Me: What do you mean?

Grace: Sex. Why would anybody even have sex when it’s so gag-gag-gag?

Me: Uhhhhh……well, uhhhh, um,……..okay, I know! Uh, so you know how when you touch your privates it’s kind of a good feeling?

Grace: Not really, it just tickles.

Me: But it’s a good kind of tickle, right?

Grace: I dunno. I guess.

Me: Well, Heavenly Father actually made it that way on purpose so that sex would feel good. That way husbands and wives would want to have sex on purpose. Sometimes they make babies when they have sex, and sometimes they just show each other that they love each other by doing something that makes each other feel good. 

(Oh, Mommy is patting herself on the back with this brilliant teaching moment. My kids are going to have such healthy, mature attitudes about sex. Go, Mother of Year Me!).

Grace: You mean, like when you rub my back for me and it feels good?

Me: Sure. Except, not really.

Grace: Like when I get a footrub?

Me: Um, maybe? Sort of, I guess. It’s hard to explain.

Grace: Sorry, I think a penis going inside of you sounds way yuckier than a footrub.

Me: Just keep thinking that for now. You can change your mind in twenty years or so.

Grace: Huh?

Mia: She’s saying she wants you to not like sex because then you won’t want to date anyone until you’re old, old, OLD.

Me: Yep.

Grace: MOM! That’s so rude!

Me: Grace, what are you doing?

Grace: Nothing.

Me: Give me your phone. What the flipping #$%^??? You were recording all of this???

Grace: Haha.

Me: WHY?? Why did you record this conversation? I don’t think this is something that needs to be recorded.

Grace: No, don’t delete it!!! I want it!

Me: WHY?

Grace: It’s going to be my new ringtone. I want you to call me at school so my phone will say “Heavenly Father made it so that sex would feel good,” and talking about touching privates and blood and stuff. It would be SO hilarious. My teacher would freak out, and the other kids would laugh sooooo hard.

One thing is clear: the parenting books I revered pre-children never took into account that I would be parenting prepubescent warped geniuses.

The parenting experts clearly never met Grace.

PS—all incriminating recordings have now been deleted. Except this blogpost.

I can’t imagine where Grace gets her perverse sense of humor that manifests itself by publicly sharing grotesquely embarrassing family moments. 


Wendy said...

That. Is. HILARIOUS! I love your kid stories.

quailene said...

Classic!!!! That is so awesome! And you better get those eyes in the back of your head working. You just may need them someday. (: