The Good, the Bad, and the Just Plain Weird

Overheard outside the olders’ bedroom:

Grace: Let’s practice our cheerleading.

Mia: Okay. Do you want to do a school cheer or make up our own? 

Grace: Let’s make up our own. Ready? S-I-S-T-E-R-H-O-O-D!!! S-I-S-T-E-R-H-O-O-D!!! We love to be together, ra-ra-rah! Sisterhood, Sisterhood, I-LOVE-YOU!!!!!!!

They just might be the cutest thing ever.

* * * * * *

It’s tough being the only boy in an estrogen-filled household, especially when no one respects your mad weaponry skills.

Eric: Mom, here’s all my guns.

Me: Um, okay. Why do I need all your guns?

Eric: Because I think I’m not old enough to handle them and I just get in trouble with them, so I need you to keep them for me until I can handle this gun thing better.

Did I say “boy”? I’m thinking this kid is earning the “man” title. I know some forty-year old boys who could learn a thing or two from Eric’s self-awareness.

* * * * * * *

Mom gets in the shower, after first leaving the kids with a list of tasks to do so that they won’t kill each other or burn the house down while she’s in a compromised position. The kids, responding to the universal law of kid-dom, that if Mom is indisposed you must immediately cause all hell to break loose, begin a screaming, screeching rampage through the house. The overall object of the game appears to be who can open the bathroom door and tattle on the others the highest number of times.

Mia actually makes it past the bathroom door and opens the shower curtain to plead her case.

Me: (frantically yanking the shower curtain back) Mia! Get out of here!

Mia: Eric is trying to headbutt me AGAIN, and by the way, you look really pretty when you’re naked.

Nice try, kiddo.

* * * * * * *

Mercie: Guess what? I know that repentance stuff you told us about really works.

Me: Oh really? How do you know?

Mercie: Well, I tried it.

Me: Really? What did you repent of?

Mercie: Well, I sneaked on your iPad and I watched part of a grown up movie. Then I went in my room and I prayed and told Heavenly Father I was sorry about watching a grown up movie, and then I couldn’t remember the grown up movie anymore. It totally worked!

Note to self: change netflix password. Again.

* * * * * * *

Mom runs into her bedroom to see if she can change into jammies before any of the children realize she’s gone and burn the house down. Mia follows.

Mia: You know what? If there was a contest, and all the third graders had to watch you get undressed, and the prize went to whoever was not distracted, I would totally win because I’ve seen you get undressed and I wouldn’t be distracted, but all the other kids would be SOOOOO distracted if they saw you changing clothes. I would definitely win that contest.

Me: Where do you come up with this stuff???

I worry about that kid sometimes.

* * * * * * *

Mia: Aiden has a crush on me. He pretended to smooch me on the teeter-totters.

Me: What did you do?

Mia: I laughed because it was funny. Then the teacher came over to ask me a question. That’s why she’s probably going to call you.

Me: Why is she going to call me about a question?

Mia: Well, it’s not a question. It’s because I kind of got in trouble.

Me: What did you kind of do to kind of get in trouble?

Mia: She said she needed to talk to me and I said, “Not now lady, I’m talking to Mr. Handsome here.” She didn’t think it was funny. Aiden did, though. He thought it was hilarious.

Me: Uh….

Sometimes kids just leave you speechless.

* * * * * * *

Grace: Jonathan loves me.

Me: Oh really? How do you know?

Grace: Jocelyn told me.

Me: How did Jocelyn know? 

Grace: Jonathan told her. We were standing in line for recess.

Me: And Jonathan just told her?

Grace: No, he told her last year, but he still does love me. He was standing right there.

Me: So he heard Jocelyn tell you?

Grace: No, she used sign language! Duh, mom, nobody talks about love with WORDS!

She has a point there.

* * * * * * *

Mercie: Here’s some money, Mom.

Me: Um, why?

Mercie: So you can adopt a baby.

Me: That’s the entire allowance I just gave you.

Mercie: yeah, I know.

Me: Why do you want another baby so bad?

Mercie: ‘Cause this family is like the best thing that ever happened to me, so I want another baby to have our family, too.

Aw man, I’m tearing up just writing that one.

Kids. They might be the most expensive, time-consuming, exasperating, exhausting endeavor I’ll ever take on, but at the end of the day, I’m with Mercie—this family is the best thing that ever happened to me. 

That, and the entertainment value is priceless.