Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Ward Conference

[The following mental conversation took place during the miscellaneous opening parts of the Sunday meetings. I would never wander around in my head like this during actual talks. I give my full attention to the speaker and apply his/her words to my life. Really. I even have doodles--er, I mean, notes--to prove it.]

"Adam G. is, I think, my current favorite Cutest Baby. I could just eat him up. He probably knows this and that's why he screams bloody murder when he sees me. Or he's finally figured out that seeing me usually means separation from Mommy & Daddy. Poor kid. So whose kid can I swipe for Sunday School/Relief Society? I bet Amy would let me take 'Nessie." I mean, Adi. I wish she would have really named her Nessie. That would be awesome. Especially if her real name was Renesmee. Haha. Golden opportunity missed there, my friend. I think Curtis has lost more weight. Michelle totally has. I need to get my butt in gear--I'm being left behind on the skinny train. So, I don't go to the gym on Sunday, or even use the treadmill, but I wonder if doing situps on Sunday is okay? Letter of the law or spirit? Use my own judgment? We'll see how I feel at 9 o'clock tonight--it will probably be a moot point because I won't want to do it anyway. Looks like we've got the standard "conference" musical fare today. Is that a rule, like how for stake conferences there are these official guidelines about the music, and you're supposed to stick to certain well-known hymns? Does the same rule apply for ward conferences? How in the world do I even know this? I don't think I've done music for a stake conference since I was 18. Click, click, click, searching through memory. Not that I remember. Weird. Julie looks cute today. Hello--she always looks cute. She can be a total mess and she still looks cute. That is so unfair. Why is Ethan chewing on that chair? Seriously, he is CHEWING on it. Holy heck, is he two? And he wonders why I mock him? I'm not going to feel badly about that anymore. If he brings it up again I'll just remind him that A.) he puts his toenail clippings on Emily's dresser and B.) he CHEWS ON CHAIRS in Sacrament Meeting. And that is the rising generation, the next breed of young missionaries we are sending out to represent the Lord and His church. He'll probably end up converting hundreds and being this insanely good missionary just so I'll have to eat my words. Wait, I didn't say this, so does that count as eating words? Or would it just be eating thoughts? That doesn't have the same cachet. Chewing on thoughts sounds kind of fluffy. Like cotton candy. Mmm...cotton candy. I think there is some cotton candy in the back of my closet that one of the kids got for Christmas and I stole. Geez, don't think about cotton candy! You're fasting. That must be why prepackaged bubble gum flavored cotton candy sounds good right now. Normally--well, that would be why it's still sitting in the back of the closet. Is it just me or is it just yucky to eat the Sacrament bread when you're fasting? Because then you have this bready taste in your mouth and you can't eat or drink anything to get it out. Remember that time somebody brought old and rotten-tasting bread? Oh, that was sooooo nasty. I thought I was going to hurl right there in Sacrament Meeting. It was funny to watch other people's faces, though, trying to decide whether to spit it out or choke it down. Eric and Mercie spit theirs out. And what on earth was Mommy supposed to do with soggy, pre-chewed, rotten bread? Remember how Kathryn used to line us all up on Fast Sunday and pass out gum because she claimed fasting gave everyone at church bad breath? Now she's made me kind of paranoid about it. That would be why I threw a tin of breath mints in my church bag on the way out the door. Don't need to worry about it right now--I'm not sitting close enough to anyone. Sunday School, on the other hand... My gosh, that rooms gets crowded. And stinky. We seriously need more Sunday School classes. Break things up, share the love. And why does everyone sit on the ends of the aisles? I hate shoving past everyone to find a seat, and then shoving past them when I leave early for Primary. What happened to scooting in, people? Hey, that's funny--right then our stake president looked like Charlton Heston. Oh, that's good. Let's run with that one. It's like when "Moses" gets up and throws the tablets down...haha--I can totally see it! Maybe it's that frowny glare looky thing. Nope--I think it's the actual face, bone structure and all. How did I live here for so long and never see this? Sacrament Meetings just got waaaaay more fun. Oops, keep the giggle to yourself, missy. Is that why Sister S. is giving me The Look? Check it out folks--Soylent Green and Planet of the Apes right here in front of us. Wait, didn't he romp around naked in those movies? Eewwww. Okay, THAT comparison ends right now. Woosh. Was that the Spirit leaving? Focus, Wendy, focus. Why is it that I always thought Charlton Heston seemed gay? He wasn't, but there was just something...maybe it was the eye makeup. Except that was only in some of his movies. Maybe I'm mixing it up with Kirk Douglas. But I don't think he was gay; he was just in Spartacus, which is legend in the annals of gay film noir. And that my friends, is the value of a BYU education. Good old theatre & media arts. I may not remember anything about square roots and differentials, but I can hold forth on queer theory quite respectably. Haha...the first counselor looks like that goofy guy on M.A.S.H.--Radar, was that his name? That is so funny! GIVE IT UP, WENDY! No more celebrity twinning in Sacrament Meeting! Moving on, moving on... I can't believe that guy is texting in the middle of church. Is nothing sacred anymore, people? You can't wait one precious hour to tell Bubba you're good to go ice fishing on Wednesday? Can it, Wenders--you know you're just jealous that you didn't think to bring your phone and multitask through the meeting. No, I'm not. I don't believe in texting during church. Yeah, let's ask Alicia about that. How many times has she caught you and Betsy texting back and forth during church? That's not Sacrament Meeting--those times have only been like, extra meetings, like Relief Society broadcasts or evening stake conference sessions, and we were texting about Important Stuff. Whatever. You hypocrite. Duh. I'm perfectly comfortable with my own hypocrisy. Well, not comfortable, maybe, but at least aware. Unlike some people. Hey! Is this my two minute self-righteous meditation? Am I keeping my New Year's Resolution right here, right now? Yeah, if by "two minutes," you mean, "two seconds." I wonder if it's weird-bad or weird-good that I talk to myself in my head? I'm gonna go with "weird-good" unless my head starts talking back. Maybe I should put this on my blog. Okay, I need to pay attention now. Time for the Sacrament. Let's think about Jesus. I wonder if Charlton Heston ever played Jesus..."
[Note to the W. clan: I definitely could--and probably should-- have censored certain parts of this post, but I know you're busting a gut right now. You're welcome.]


Vongsawad Family said...

If it will make you feel better you may call her Renessme whenever you want.:) She is exactly like Nesse. A crazy vampire baby in the womb and a sweet adorable little girl outside the womb. Oh, and you can take her to Relief Society anytime as well. P.S. Have I told you lately that you are freaking hilarious.

XR4-IT said...

Wow I just about fell out of my chair laughing.

Oh and I want to welcome you to the club of weird people who talk to themselves in their heads, just so long as it isn’t talk to yourself out loud.

Nemmer said...

That was hilarious! Thanks for sharing, hehe.

Lucy said...

I think we would all freak out if we knew what went on in everybody's heads in sacrament meeting - like inside a deacon's head? Do the priests wash their hands before they tear the bread apart? What do members of the bishopric think up there on the stand? What goes through a little kid's mind? Personally,now that our Sac. Mtg. is at 11:30, I spend part of the morning catching up on my blogs and reading my favorite blogs, and that's what I think about when things get a little b-o-r-i-n-g. I know, I should be STUDYING MY SCRIPTURES, but I also do that during Sac. Mtg. Love - MOM

Monica English said...

Hee Hee Hee! This is my favorite blog post of the week! thanks for sharing your deepest thoughts.