Monday, December 15, 2008

The List

Several of my friends have posted The List, which is apparently making the rounds of Bloggersville, to the merriment of B-town populace. If you haven't seen it, The List is a list of 100 things you may or may not have done in your life, where you highlight/italicize/underline the things you have done and leave the rest for your readers to suppose that you'll check those next adventurous projects off just as soon as you get back from the African safari and finalize your next appearance on Oprah.


Since I am ornery and sport a perverse non-conformist streak that will not be quieted, I've decided to post MY version of the list, all 102 of them.

Bold = things I've done multiple times, usually too many to count
Italics = things I've done once, and once was enough, thank you very much.
Plain red text = things I haven't done yet but definitely plan to after that safari and Oprah appearance.
  1. thrown up in my office garbage can
  2. thrown up in the gym garbage can
  3. thrown up and missed the garbage can by a couple of inches
  4. sewn a wedding dress. Not mine. And once was definitely enough.
  5. pieced a quilt
  6. hand-quilted an entire quilt
  7. signed an eviction notice
  8. enjoyed a full body massage
  9. enjoyed a 3-hour full body massage on a balmy, breezy balcony in Maui overlooking the ocean...Mmmm.
  10. found out how long I could go without cleaning a bathroom before it became too gross even for me. I won't say how long that was because you'll be shocked and appalled. And for any of my former roommates, no--this did not take place when I was living with you. Honestly.
  11. cleaned the bathroom religiously (and thoroughly) every single week
  12. Danced in the rain
  13. Sang in the rain
  14. Kissed in the rain (in another 39.5 years or so)
  15. risked losing a good friendship over something stupid and petty
  16. been forgiven when I really didn't deserve it
  17. sliced open every single chocolate in a 3-pound box to find the ones I like (coconut and maple cream) while leaving the rest (anything fruity, nutty, or caramel) in halves for the kids. "Mommy, why are all the chocolates broken?" "Mommy cut them up for you so you could see what kind to choose" "Wow-thank you, Mommy!"
  18. put up my Christmas tree on November 1st
  19. left my Christmas tree up year round
  20. adopted a child
  21. fostered a child
  22. loved other people's children
  23. birthed a child (yes, I know I have at least 39.5 years before this is even a possibility, but if 60 is the new 40, I'm guessing in 40 years or so 70 will be the new 40, and we all know women in their 40s who pop out kids, so I'm keeping it on the to-do list)
  24. sang a solo in front of lots of people
  25. gave a talk in front of lots of people
  26. made up my own recipe and created something unbelievably tasty
  27. made up my own recipe and created something unbelievably horrific
  28. written a sincere apology letter
  29. written a sincere condolence letter and cried all the way through it. Hard.
  30. shaved my legs
  31. suffered through electrolysis
  32. suffered even more through laser hair removal
  33. waxed (gotta try it--it can't be worse than what I've already done)
  34. played the organ for Sacrament Meeting
  35. played the organ for the funeral of someone I loved
  36. played the organ for the wedding of someone I loved
  37. played the organ for Stake Conference
  38. played the organ at the temple (okay, I've kind of done this in a pinch-hit kind of way, but I want to do it in an official kind of way)
  39. said a bad word in church
  40. said a bad word during a visiting teaching visit (yep, when RS really needs someone to bring the Spirit into a home, they just send me)
  41. said a bad word to a church leader
  42. heard my two year old use that bad word and never used it--or any word like it--again.
  43. donated to a political campaign/cause I believed in
  44. participated in a political party convention (once was enough--bleck)
  45. managed a political campaign (is it weird that I have zero desire to ever run for office myself but I get a huge kick out of making things happen behind the scenes?)
  46. kept a journal
  47. burned a journal
  48. traveled outside the U.S.
  49. traveled to Europe
  50. traveled to most of the 50 states
  51. realized home is where I like to be best of all
  52. ran a 5k (and completely bombed it)
  53. survived a 1/2 marathon. August 2009, Green River, WY
  54. been proposed to while walking in a snowstorm
  55. been proposed to on a Colorado freeway
  56. been proposed to in a sandwich restaurant
  57. been proposed to by my 5-year old nephew
  58. been proposed to in a little Mexican restaurant with a name I've forgotten (the restaurant, not the person doing the proposing, although it did take me a couple of days to remember his name)
  59. been proposed to on the couch in my living room--the one and only proposal I said yes to, not that it worked out so well a decade later. Live and learn.
  60. [40 years from now] be proposed to in a way that actually involves some thought and creativity and a small amount of effort on the part of the proposer.
  61. Be the one doing the proposing
  62. acted in a play
  63. directed a play
  64. written a play
  65. stage-managed a play
  66. dramaturged a play (I think I just made that word up)
  67. designed props for a play
  68. run lights for a play (okay, Ms. Theatre major, this is just getting redundant)
  69. designed costumes for a play
  70. Read the Book of Mormon in 40 days (takes about 1.5-2 hours of solid reading each day, and its totally worth it, if you're wondering)
  71. Read the Book of Mormon in a weekend
  72. visited someone in jail
  73. volunteered in a hospital
  74. served a welfare/humanitarian mission
  75. serve any kind of mission, again and again!
  76. written a silly, badly done poem for someone I love
  77. made up a semi-serious, halfway acceptable song for someone I love
  78. created a real, 100% sincere song for something that matters
  79. laughed so hard my sides ached
  80. laughed so hard I cried
  81. laughed so hard urinary incontinence began to seem like a distinct and real possibility
  82. thanked Heavenly Father for the funniest friends ever
  83. learned a new language
  84. taught ESL
  85. been kicked in the face by a child who had a nightmare and ended up sleeping with me
  86. cried when I realized that I only get a limited number of those thrashing, kicking nights, and that someday I'll give just about anything to have one more night with a soggy-diapered, softly-snoring, limbs-akimbo toddler curled up against me
  87. had my written work published in a periodical
  88. had my written work published in a book
  89. had a copy of my published work interred in the cornerstone of an LDS temple (Denver, CO). Really.
  90. authored and published an entire book as sole author
  91. won a beauty pageant
  92. fell off a parade float while performing official beauty queen duties
  93. won a "most embarrassing moment" contest with my most em"bare-ass"-ing story that involved full rear nudity
  94. revealed Too Much Information on a blog
  95. revealed Too Much Information on national TV (well, when I do that Oprah spot...)
  96. dated someone who turned out to be gay--and was so relieved at how everything made so much more sense...
  97. almost dated someone who went on a crime spree a month later and is currently serving a life sentence for attempted murder (Oh my gosh, I totally should have said yes--I could have saved him--the love of a good woman could have saved that troubled soul!)
  98. Made out in the front/back seat of a car
  99. Went all the way in the front/back seat of a car, and no--despite all efforts, conception did not result. Apparently that only works if you are 15, slightly drunk, unmarried, and in your parents' car. Legally married grownups never get so lucky.
  100. Had prayers answered with exactly what I wanted
  101. Had prayers answered with exactly what I DIDN'T want
  102. Had prayers answered perfectly, gloriously, far beyond my best imagining and most deserving

3 comments:

XR4-IT said...

"fell off a parade float while performing official beauty queen duties"

Just about fell out of my seat laughing when I read that one, and then I thought of the movie Miss Congeniality.

Becky and Chris said...

That was hilarious and thanks to you I am now having that same continence issue connected with spasmodic abdominal muscles gone wild accompanied by something that sounds like a donkey. I don't know where that sound is coming from? Chris? Is that you? Fido?

Are your car windows tinted by chance?

Jen said...

I like your list much better than the other one going around. It's way more fun to read and I laughed WAY more reading yours...oh how I wish I could be so funny and witty on my blog (or anywhere for that matter) maybe someday...for now I'll keep on being my ho hum self. :)