Saturday, September 13, 2008

Beards, Booze, and Zoobies

I think my hearing is going out in my old age, which isn't nearly as annoying as it could be, mostly because it leads to so many unintentionally amusing moments.

Yesterday a group of the best and the brightest young minds at my school crammed into a room for a training meeting. In the pre-meeting buzz someone mentioned another school up the hill that shall remain nameless, and one of the quirks of said school, the infamous beard card.

For those who are not familiar with Zoobie-land, this is an actual, real thing, where in order to wear facial hair you must have written permission from various higher-ups. I can vouch for this because in the course of directing plays at the aforementioned school I have signed these strange documents and forwarded them all the way up the chain. I'm pretty sure they eventually land on the prophet's desk, where he ultimately gives the thumbs up or thumbs down, probably dependent on whether the Lord has any plans to call the hapless victim as a bishop or stake president, in which case facial hair would be slightly more serious than an ongoing tobacco addiction but not quite as serious as say, committing adultery or cheating on your income taxes.

Enter my hearing problem.

I didn't hear "beard" card. I heard "beer" card.

The students corrected me, but I begged them to stick with my version instead. Beer card is much funnier. I'm pretty sure several of my friends from college days, and at least one or two ex-boyfriends, would have been lining up for that one. Yes, K, I'm thinking of you. All those nights you locked yourself in the bathroom and chugged down a bottle of Ny-Quil...a beer card would have been so much cheaper, and probably safer, too.

I vaguely recall that the beard paperwork required reasons for the facial hair exemption, like medical problems or religious beliefs or being cast in a theatrical piece portraying someone like, say, the school's founding prophet.

I'm highly entertained by imagining the checklist of allowable reasons for a beer card.

I'm even more entertained by imagining all the other exemptions it could lead to. In short order we could see the fornication card, the porno card, the 'they're-not-really-drugs-because-they're-prescriptions' card, the high-stakes poker card, maybe even the free-pass-on-home-teaching card (easy medical exemption there--I've had home teachers who I swear were allergic to the whole home teaching thing. A long time ago. Not my current ones. Just so we're clear). My personal favorite would be the cuss card. As a lover of all things wordy, I admit that some of my top choices are words that I can't use around church people unless I'm quoting J. Golden Kimball or the bishop I had as a teen. I'd get a lot of mileage from a cuss card.

Although come to think of it, if people had to go through a multilayered and complex authorization process in order to commit a sin, they'd probably give it up and decide no sin is worth that much. It's probably good that this rigorous procedure is reserved for the truly serious issues facing universities today.

No hearing aids for me; just bring on the bleeping beer-d card.


Anonymous said...

I'm wondering how it would be if you took the alliteration in your title just one word farther....

Anonymous said...

If you'd like, you can go to this link and see one for yourself:
p.s. my gerbil is dying.

JJJAM&S said...

oh W, you are so funny. Thanks for this. Julie

Anonymous said... - 22k Is a very good video for this Friday, Sept. 19 - International Talk Like a Pirate Day. So's this
because it teaches you how to talk like a pirate. BTW, I need your email address.